Friday July 30

First of all, many thanks for all the calls and concerns since the last blog entry. Each time I go to town to do a few things, the question is asked when I will be back to work. It is clear to me that my physical and mental fitness is not even close to being prepared to meet that challenge.

My food intake continues to improve, but am down to a weight of 172 pounds. Some folks in the valley do not recognize me now. I had to buy some jeans that are the same size that I wore in high school 39 years ago. When I was in SCB the other day I bought some 50 lb. feed sacks and could hardly lift them. That being said, I have a lot of recuperating to do to get my strength back. My gray gelding, Doc stares at me each day wondering what the heck is going on, as I haven't thrown a leg over him since the end of May. Luckily, our 2 year old bay gelding (Tiger Tom) has been at the trainer since June 5.

The rad/chemo treatments have held me back longer than I expected. The effects are starting to subside, but I have still been sleeping 12 hours a day. As you can see, I'm not able to accomplish much else with that regimen. I keep tearing the stitches out on the feeding tube, causing it to work its way out. This entails a trip to the doc to get it secured. We try to keep it thoroughly taped but I'm just too active. I have been taking vicodin for pain through out this process, but am weaning myself off of it now due to its side effects. Some of those side effects are requiring other pills to relieve them. The vicodin was effective for quite a while in easing the swallowing difficulties but is not worth the other issues. The final radiation treatments were intensified and more localized in the end, causing my esophagus/chest to be quite swelled and painful. It's like I have poker chip stuck down there, making it hard to get much food through. My neighbor said well its a lucky chip for you and will cash out soon. So, I am now trying a more holistic approach mixing some home remedies with a little faith.

I feel like a sad sack entering the medical stuff, but am very honored to be loved by you all and that you truly care about me as I continue this journey through the clearings and thickets ahead.
I am catching up on my reading, however. The home library is filled with books that I read about a third of the way, having got sidetracked with other commitments. One book that I finally finished was Aunt Doris' book "Destination Denver City". That was such an exciting time in regional history and her book sure described it well. As a pony express re-rider, I find it interesting to read about that time period. Times are different now, and it makes my personal struggle seem like less of a battle than what the settlers and Indians went through.

Fortunately, it has been summer and our beautiful property is the greenest we have seen it. My deck chairs have been getting well used. If I need to change the view; I just switch chairs or go to the other side of the house, as we have a deck on each side. While on our walk yesterday, we noticed that some of the prairie grass spears were over 5 feet tall. The sandhills are wonderful this year; just add a little rain water and it really responds. All this has kept my spirits lifted.

Finished Finally

Chemo and radiation is finally finished, yeah! Yesterday we made the last trip to Scottsbluff for radiation. Brian received a celebration certificate and a cake for finishing. Only problem is he can't hardly eat it.

Now he will wait, heal and hopefully gain some weight back for 6-8 weeks. It will be his time to prepare for the next phase, surgery. The doctors want to retest with another P.E.T. scan and esophageal scope with ultra sound. If all has gone to plan he will meet with surgeons in Denver again and schedule the esophagectomy.

I will be going back to work today. Everyone has been so understanding and helpful. We really appreciate all the prayers and good wishes.

L. Mary

Day After

Brian's last cycle of chemo was finished yesterday before we left for the road to Scottsbluff for his radiation treatment. He is still not eating very much, everything tastes bitter from the chemo. He is sleeping lots and lots.

He did play some last night at jam night with the Bluz Rockers in Alliance. Tonight he will have to play more. I am sure he will rise for the occasion, its music you know!

Monday I will still drive him to radiation and attend weekly doctor visit. We will hopefully discuss when appointments will be for follow up tests in Denver in 6-8 weeks. I am planning on going back to work again Tuesday. Brian feels he will be strong enough to drive himself to last 2 days of radiation on Tuesday and Wednesday.

The girls and grand kids are coming to visit Sunday to celebrate Brian's birthday belatedly. We should have a great time!

Mary

Unable To Eat Again

The chemo has made Brian very nauseated and he is unable to eat or drink much for that matter. I started the feeding tube yesterday afternoon so he hopefully won't loose too much weight or get dehydrated like last time. Its been a rough night!

The poisonous substances that coarse through him and the knife like daily radiation treatments are taking their toll. Thank goodness it is almost finished. It is hard for me to see him suffer like this and not be able to help more.

Brian use to say how he always had his birthday during harvest as a young man working in the fields. I guess this birthday (Friday) he will be working on saving his life.

Mary

Round Two

Greetings to all!

Brian has started round two of chemo yesterday. So far this session has been going better. He is very tired but has not been as nauseated so far. He has seven more sessions of radiation left, so he will be done with all chemo on Friday and radiation on July 15th. Then he waits 6-8 weeks while he heals and then has further testing in Denver for possible surgery.

I took this week off and probably the last three days the week after to drive him to Scottsbluff for radiation and doctors appointments. He then can recuperate at home and not be on the road so much.

Brian had a big weekend planned before he knew he would need treatment. His birthday is Friday and he is scheduled to play with the Bluz Rockers Friday and Saturday at the G Spot. Friends are helping out so he can keep the commitment and hopefully not need to carry the show.

I will keep posting, thanks for all your prayers and words of encouragement!

Mary

July 1 jive

Still floundering through the dark forest path of treatments. Only 10 more days of radiation therapy to go. Next week I will go through 96 hours of chemotherapy. They will do some IV's on Monday and then attach a pump that I have to carry around in a little pack. Hopefully, it will go better this time around.

When I was first diagnosed, it was like mortality was slapping me in the face. Those of you that know me well, may recall that I have been able to detach my mind from body quite easily. Some call it astral travelling, or transcendental experience. I have had this gift? since I was a young boy. I would hear songs in my head and run out to the tree row to see where they were coming from. Later, as I did more soul searching through church and study of metaphysics, I understood my life's plan. I understood why I was able to catch a bird on the wing and fly with it; leaving my body behind. Not something I have done on a regular basis over the years as I realized I am needed and well loved in the real world. Since my 20's, I have dedicated my life in service to family, USPS and community. However when I am on stage or just jamming, music takes me to that place quite handily.

When first came out of the anesthesia from the endoscopy on 4/14/09; it was not a surprise or shock as the Doc explained what he had seen (Of course they photograph it all in digital living color). My soul has no fear of dying but it hit me that my body needs my mind in a serious way now. My bodily shell was saying "Come back mind, I need you". Hence, it is important to conquer this for family and friends and that I will have to deal with whatever options are available to become healed.